Friday, December 30, 2011

How to Get Lighter Skin: A Gothic Guide

Care and Maintenance

use something gentle on the face, but for body, a loofa is super. slough off the dead stuff and let in the living. if you're naturally pale but dealing with getting rid of a tan, this is very important. much enjoyed by pale goths is St. Ives' Apricot Scrub.

hair removal
also if you are naturally fair and trying to get rid of a tan, the method in which you shave (legs and whatnot) can affect it. shaving and using those nifty little sanding-mitt things will help the pallor, while threading, waxing, and nair will likely do nothing.

(anyone want to recommend some good ones, press the little spooky mail button at the bottom of the screen.) i like Banana Boat Faces, spf 45 i believe. not too greasy for use on face, but best for arms and throat. also,a really yummy citrus smelling one is Ocean Potion Total Sunblock 30.. it's everything-proof and everything-free. it goes on shiny looking, but it soaks in and loses the shine quickly, and doesnt have to be re-applied all the time.

floppy straw hats seem to be the favourite. they do come in black, and one could decorate with evil feathers, dark ribbons, black silk flowers, beads, etc. (maybe this belongs under gawthkrafte!)

very fashionable. dont worry about being made fun of, most often parasol-carrying goths get compliments, and the sort of class that goes along with wearing gloves, or a corset... that out-of-place, but still beautiful stuff... they start at about 3 or 4 bucks for rice paper parasols in china town. import stores often carry them in assorted colours and shapes. for a higher price, you can find them in lace, or other nifty fabrics... im looking for places that do them custom... (anyone?)

long sleeves!
i know it's hard, but think about it... hot desert cultures use layers of loose fitting clothes to keep in the cool... eh eh eh? the less of you that sees the sun, the less of you that has to absorb it!

This is from the page Gawth Pallor, a skin lightening recipe guide with a gothic focus. Looking for that Nosferatu-white shade of skin? Now you have some help in getting there. There is also a skin lightening shop for those who'd rather put their trust in the advances of modern chemistry. I've tried a few of the skin lightening recipes, certain ones work better than others I'd say - but they are interesting to brew up, if nothing else!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Ugly Renaissance Babies

Someone just showed me the site Ugly Renaissance Babies, featuring exactly what it sounds like it should. I literally was laughing so hard I cried (and I am not one to misuse the term literally.)

Friday, December 23, 2011

"The Worst Movie Ever Made" III

As we've shown before, many films have the dishonor to be called by someone "the worst movie ever made." Few have actually won formal awards for such. Today we shall examine one of those rare few.

Plan 9 From Outer Space was actually an early zombie movie, back in the days when zombies were specifically considered a subject relating to Voodoo practices in the Carribean area. ("ghouls" is how they're referred to in the film.) And if zombies isn't enough for you, it also has aliens! And Bela Lugosi is in it! Sounds awesome, right? Well, if you're saying that, then you've obviously never seen this film.

Bela Lugosi and Plan 9's notorious director, Edward D. Wood, had been friends. When Lugosi died in 1956, Wood still had a few minutes of footage he'd filmed of Lugosi wearing his vampire cape, and cleverly figured out that if he could just get a body double to fill out the rest of Lugosi's role, and composed the whole story around the idea of a Bela Lugosi who wouldn't have to talk or show his face.

The plot ultimately concerns a group of aliens who want to stop some new bomb-making technology from being utilized on Earth. (We don't actually learn this till the movie's almost over, but the film makes even less sense without this context.) Their plan for this is to bring up zombies to create chaos. Or something. They call it "Plan 9" in any case. Lugosi's body double is one of the zombies, and roams through the scenes posed with his arm over his face so you can't see him.

The 1980 book The Golden Turkey Awards had a contest for people to write in and vote what was the worst movie ever. Plan 9 won by a long shot.

5.0 out of 5 stars Fun, classic "worst ever" movie plus Mike Nelson humor make a great DVD., April 26, 2006
By Valnastar "Man With No Name" (Deep 13, USA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Plan 9 From Outer Space (Colorized) (DVD)
Plan 9 From Outer Space is often called the worst movie ever made, but its entertainment value elevates it above many other films, even some of better quality. The plot moves along nicely and has little to no padding in it and the dialog and special effects are hilarious even if that was not the intent of the director, Ed Wood. Everyone who loves cinema should see this movie! The wobbly flying saucers on single strings, Swedish wrestler turned actor Tor Johnson, Bela Lugosi in his last role, Vampira and more make this an unforgettable film. It's so bad it's great. Sadly, the great Bela Lugosi died during filming, so look for Bela Lugosi's replacement in some scenes. He's not hard to spot as he is taller and looks nothing like Mr. Lugosi, hence he holds a cape in front of his face in every scene in which he appears!

Plan 9 was never properly copyrighted, and so is now in the public domain. You can actually watch the entire movie Plan 9 From Outer Space online for free by clicking here. Due to its public domain status, however, there are about a half dozen different editions available for purchase, too.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of... Rue de la Harpe?

The story of Sweeney Todd is famous the world over now, thanks to theater and cinema. Certain authors -- and websites based on their data -- claim that Sweeney Todd was even a real person who lived in the 18th century (however, newspaper and prison accounts seem to contradict these claims.) What truth there is to Sweeney Todd, however, may have been discovered.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Drinking Blood

Liven up your holidays with the Gothicest cocktail drink of all!



1 oz. bourbon

1/2 oz. lime juice

1 tsp. tequila

tomato juice

Collins glass.

Pour all ingredients except tequila over ice, 
fill remaining glass with tomato juice.
 Add tequila last. 

Swiped from
Who in turn swiped it from

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tim Burton Makeup Look

All in all I think it's a great look, but at the same time, I hardly think it's a Tim Burton look if you're concealing the circles around your eyes....

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Goth Breakup Lines

What self-respecting goth needs a pickup line? Life is pain! Here's a selection of goth breakup lines:

"You make me too happy. Go away."

"You're not weird enough."

"You have no more t-shirts I want to borrow."

"Ummm... I just realised something about my sexuality"

"Monogamy, what's that?"

"Will you marry me?"

"What? We're a couple?"

"Hmmm.. I thought you'd be dead by now."

"I much prefer coffee"

"I've been feeling a bit strange lately."

"You just look better than me in my skirts."

"I was hoping we could just go back to being enemies..."

"I'm really sorry, hon. But either we break up, or one of us dies."

"It's just not going to work. You're human, and I'm not."

"My parents don't hate you as much as I hoped they would."

"You're just too nice. More like a friend than a lover."

"You're not evil enough for me to have a serious relationship with."

"You have my permission to see other people if you want."

"I can't date anyone who has never heard of George Carlin."

"I can't go out with you because I actually like you."

"I know that breaking up will mean the death of us both"

"Would it upset you terribly if we were just . . . friends with benefits?"

"No, we're not going to break up."

"You bore me."

"You wore pink last Tuesday. Get out of my sight."

"You're actually starting to cheer me up."

"You don't like sex on gravestones?"

"You gave me live flowers, how tacky."

"You want to do what? Bowling?!"

"I think your an embarrassment to me and the rest of humankind, fucking hippie!"

"By the way, we broke up. About two months ago. I forgot to tell you."

"I love you but I want to date 3 other people to be sure if this is right for me."

"You don't have any more clothes that I want to borrow."

"I think we need to have a talk about you and I... You are aware that there is no You and I.

"No, you aren't really a vampire."

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Best Gothic Music Videos! Blast from the Past!

On this particular gothic blog, you may have noticed videos are a common feature! And because they often lack text, if you missed any of these videos the first time around, you may find them hard to locate again. Thus this Blast from the Past feature was born! Here are some of the best videos we've featured on the site so far.


Rammstein - Mein Teil - A video from everyone's favorite group of East German pyromaniacal musicians, concerning the true story of a man who ran a personal ad looking for someone who wanted to be eaten... and found a willing participant.

Cradle of Filth - Lilith Immaculate - Another Gothic Metal band, whose videos may have inspired the Dethklok band from Metalocalypse. They have as easy a time as anyone with generating controversy, and are accused of being Satanists more often than Jayne Mansfield.

Nine Inch Nails - Closer - About as mainstream as Gothic Industrial music ever managed to get was with this song and this "band" (which is actually just Oscar-winning musician Trent Reznor and a bunch of electronic equipment, occasionally supplemented for the sake of live performances by some other musicians.) The video is on permanent display in the Museum of Modern Art.

Bella Morte - On The Edge - The band's name is Italian for "Gorgeous Death." They've achieved a remarkably strong following in the underground music scene and while the players have been juggled a bit more often than in some groups, their quality stays on par to make them Metropolis Records' number one artist.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Reconstructed from Reviews: Puss In Boots

Another Reconstructed from Reviews, in which we try to reconstruct the plot of a movie based solely on information provided in its unflattering, negative reviews. Today's feature: Puss In Boots.

Puss in Boots (voiced by Antonio Banderas) is a swashbuckling lothario who, in the opening scene, bids farewell to his latest conquest, a furry white tabby who lounges, satisfied, in bed. "What can I say? I was a bad kitty," Puss slyly says.

After robbing her owner blind and evading capture for the theft, Puss runs out toward the countryside, the female cat he wooed the night before sighing at his daring-do despite the fact that he had forgotten her name.
Puss is a wanted cat for his robberies, though even the toughest of men are at first amused by his appearance when the cat walks into a local tavern. After some fancy swordplay, he convinces them, and even the way he delicately laps up his shot of milk (one of those genuinely funny images of the contrast in personality and behavior that endears us to him) cannot lessen their fear. He's on the hunt for magic beans—the same magic beans a boy named Jack once used to obtain passage to a castle in the clouds where a golden goose lays golden eggs.

Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas), once a defender of justice, is branded an outlaw after he’s double-crossed by childhood friend Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis).

Smeared with the blame of a bank robbery engineered against Puss’ wishes by Humpty, there is now some bad blood between them, although Humpty tries to persuade Puss he can be trusted.

When he hears of a score involving magic beans, currently in the possession of murderous thugs Jack and Jill (Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Sedaris), he sees a chance at redemption. He’s not the only one interested in the beans, though; the deft Kitty Softpaws (Salma Hayek) botches Puss’ robbery attempt, and worse, she’s working for Humpty.
Salma Hayek (2010's "Grown Ups") fetchingly voices Kitty Softpaws—her greatest shame is that she's been declawed, hence the name

Puss' first encounter with Kitty, during a simultaneous attempt to swipe the magic beans, leads to a chase across the rooftops of a sleepy town, and the payoff is a head-to-head duel in a secret bar for cats that happens to be holding dance night. The camera swirls through the space as the two fleet-footed felines scale the walls and fall safely down to the floor by tapping their heels against each other's feet (The crowd kneads its paws in applause after accompanying on various, makeshift percussive instruments, such as a fish skeleton).

His tired quest entails a lot of backstory shoveled at us – a past with Humpty, a surrogate mother he’s trying to make proud
Particularly revealing is an early segment where Puss describes his parentless childhood and sad-sack back story in exacting detail (cue the extended flashback), only for the film to eventually return to the present and reveal that Kitty Softpaws has long since fallen asleep next to him.

It's a particularly long account (Kitty is asleep by the end—a throwaway gag but one that's unintentionally accurate) and one that hardly enlightens about Puss in any meaningful way aside from what conflicts arise later on in the story (i.e., what Humpty's ultimate goal is and how the townsfolk react when Puss returns).

Humpty, though, begs Puss for his forgiveness, and the three embark on a quest to retrieve the beans, plant them, and claim the fabled golden goose that will change their fortunes forever.

Both feel betrayed by the other, but the beans hold the key to repaying an old debt to the town that took him in as a kitten so many years ago and that now believes him to be a heartless outlaw.

Eventually, he is tricked into teaming up with the egg and his pals. Our hero is eager to make good on a failed promise from the past, though he still has issues with his ovum pal's intentions.

An attempted robbery the brutish Jack and Jill's (voices of Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Sedaris) fortified carriage leads to a pursuit on perilous cliffs that is dizzying, and the trip up the thundering beanstalk to the castle in the clouds has the same quality.

If they can steal them and plant them then they can go up the beanstalk to a castle in the sky. In this castle there is a goose that lays golden eggs.

...the stale wisecracks are on the order of "First rule of Bean Club: You do not talk about Bean Club."
(Jack wants to start a family with the crime-loving Jill, and the giant of the castle has died, leaving behind another massive creature as the sole protector of the layer of the golden eggs) angry mama goose...

Climbing up the beanstalk high in the clouds, Puss, Kitty and Humpty find themselves a little portable pot of gold - a cute little yellow chick that lays golden eggs. Leaving the world of the beanstalk with the little chick involves multiple hazards and I like the scene when the protagonists cling desperately onto a champagne bottle cork, at the very moment it is popped – to be propelled over a giant chasm

Lacking vim as well as vigor, the film goes through the motions with promising baddies, Jack and Jill, who fade into the background by the second half and generally have nothing of interest to do.

Instead, the film commits the "Indiana Jones 4" blunder of staging frantic scenes of pursuit whenever the story sags, which is often.

The other villain, who will go nameless since it's meant to be a surprise, is a rip-off of Andy Dick's Boingo the Bunny from 2005's "Hoodwinked!," making one long for that much, much more clever fractured cinematic fairy tale.

Once the Big Reveal takes place, Puss has a come-to-Jesus moment, even though it’s everyone else in the movie that should be having it.

“It’s never too late to do the right thing,” Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) announces towards the end of his self-titled adventure.

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