Tuesday, July 26, 2011

"The Worst Movie Ever Made"


So my Cinema Gothica section in the Emporium Gothica, at the moment, is basically rigged to just offer whatever Amazon.com perceives as most relevant to the site. One movie it suggests is called merely Goth. In curiosity I decided to check out the reviews on this thing -- and I may have to throw a little party for the purpose of seeing this one!

By James E. Martin II
This is without a doubt the worst movie ever made.

Ya the worst movie ever made.

Let me make sure you understand what I mean when I say that it is THE WORST MOVIE EVER PUT TO FILM IN THE HISTORY OF MOVIE MAKING. This makes Hunting Humans look like the Exorcist.
I would rather give myself an at home vasectomy with my neighbors rabid cat than watch this movie again.
But... ...If you have to watch, if your curiosity cannot be contained, be sure to check out all of the killer special features (LOL). And be sure to watch the riveting trailer to get ya in the mood. But if you wish, I can give ya a synopsis of the film and spare you the pain that no one living should ever have to know. (Without the aid of some special brownies of course :) )

The story follows the riveting journey of these two characters. One who lookes like Shannen Doherty, and the other that lookes like a wannabe gothic Lance Bass. They are a couple, and they are also "gothic". They go to a "gothic" club. Just to show you how gothic this movie is so far. The boyfriend's name is Boone, how gothic is that.
While at this "gothic" club, they meet this gothic chick (I am not bull sh*ting you) named "Goth". You heard it boys and girls a goth girl actually named "Goth". The worst wannabe in the history of the gothic culture has never stooped this low. WTF!
Goth tells them the three rules.
1 Embrace the darkness
2 Kill your fear
3 Live for death
To make a long story short, Goth kills a few people while strung out on this flour like substance called White light. Ohhh so scary. The special effects are more like the special olympics, and the acting is even worse. The retarded kid who played Corkie did a better job. Kermit the frog is more gothic than anything in this POS movie. This movie was written by a man who knows nothing about the gothic culture from his own admission. Not a single f*@king thing. If your looking to top yourself tonight, be sure to rent this first, because you won't want to live much longer after you do.

Stay away, don't go towards the light Carolann.
Jesus Christ.
Memkhet provides us with a fine little summary of the story:

"Goth" is the story of a young girl named Chrissy, who has involved herself in the goth scene of LA. Our tale begins with Chrissy and her boyfriend, Boone, heading off to a concert for some kind of Korn rip-off. There, Chrissy meets the movie's title character. Yes, that's right, there is a character in this movie named Goth. (Get ready for all sorts of puns. "Hi, I'm Goth!" "Yeah, so are we!") According to Goth, she is the most hardcore person in the scene. Everyone else is just a lame poseur. This, of course, includes Chrissy, and Goth wants to take her under her wing and show her what being goth really means.

Apparently being goth means murdering and raping innocent people for kicks and giggles. Oh, and lots and lots of drugs. Goths, says Goth, are beyond the feelings of guilt and repression that keep normal people in line. God help any 15 year old babybat whose mother sees this movie.

So, what happens? Does sweet, innocent Chrissy stop Goth? Or does she turn to the dark side and become Goth's spooky little sidekick? Do you even care? I'm sure that some of you may think that this film sounds amusing, but trust me, it isn't. It's just bad. Save your money.
The film does, however, appear to have its devoted fans:

hello the movie goth rocks dont listen to the other ppl who said it sucked they odviously have no taste in good movies i mean you might not like the movie if u dont like tacky movies like the rocky horror pictureshow but that was one of my favs i love movies like that so that is why i give two thumbs up to this movie even though they said its not good you should see for yourself and rent the movie some of u might regret it but some might not we all have different taste i love this movie and i hope you enjoy it as much as i did


As for myself, I tracked down this trailer and was laughing so much I had to stop within about 40 seconds:


You can buy the movie Goth at the Emporium Gothica.

3 comments:

  1. I didn't realize any other goth blogger reviewed this film. My first and (worst) video review was on this film. I don't think it is the worst film ever made because I have seen WAY worst films. If you are interested I have a copy of another film by that directer (some of his earlier work). Would you like to do a video review with me on it?

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    Replies
    1. I actually have not seen the movie Goth myself, I was just entertained enough by the reviews of it to post some snippets.

      The actual worst movie I've ever seen (that I was still able to sit through) was Birdemic. That one even beat out A Night to Dismember, and I didn't think anything would ever be worse than that one.

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